First, decide whether to conduct your conversation in person or over the phone. These days, with family members living far apart, it's tempting to talk about important eldercare issues via the wires. But before you dial that number be aware that reading facial expressions and body language plays an important part in knowing when to change communication tactics or to back off altogether.
For example, how will you know if your elder is nervous or uncomfortable — frowning, tapping a foot, or looking at the clock — or know whether your elder seems relaxed — smiling and looking you in the eyes? Reading body language will help you to know how your elder is feeling. Physically being there allows you to acknowledge your elder in various ways such as moving your body forward (or away), touching, nodding your head, and making eye contact.
If you choose to talk face-to-face, think ahead as to where to have the conversation. Pick a quiet place where your elder can clearly hear what you are saying and a location that is free from distractions. As a rule, holiday family parties are not an ideal time to discuss eldercare issues. Such gatherings tend to revive historical relationship patterns; and other family members who are present may purposely sabotage your efforts to hold a conversation with your elders.
A restaurant setting also has its limitations. Uninterrupted conversations are practically impossible in such a location, and elders can easily feel as though they are on the hot seat with nowhere to run. Setting aside time to talk doesn't mean that you have to hold a formal meeting. Sometimes the best discussions take place while you're driving the car or puttering around the kitchen.

In deciding if the time is right to have this conversation, first ask yourself these questions:

• Am I over-tired or stressed out right now?
  (The more relaxed you are the better. If you're particularly on edge, postpone the discussion and get a good night's sleep.)
• Is my elder a morning person or a night owl?
  (Initiate conversations when they are at their peak performance.)
• Is it better to separate my elders or approach them together?
  (If you have a close relationship with one of your elders, this may be a smart first step.)
• Do I have enough information on this subject to discuss it intelligently, or do I need to do more homework?
  (The idea here is to be able to add depth to the conversation.)
• Do I have sufficient time now to get involved in a long and possibly serious discussion?
  (Clearing your schedule takes the pressure off you to "rush" the conversation which in turn creates a more stressful communication environment.)

You've probably heard the expression, "timing is everything." Well, it's true when it comes to being an effective communicator. A well-timed conversation enhances the likelihood of being heard and of reaching consensus. On the other hand, trying to open a dialogue at a time and place that is not conducive could render it difficult if not impossible to accomplish your objective.
Think about a past situation when an important eldercare conversation, which you initiated, went haywire. Perhaps Mom was distracted and didn't respond to your question, or Dad postponed the conversation telling you that he was too tired to talk. And who hasn't experienced a scenario in which another family members barged in — purposely or otherwise — when you were conversing with your elder, showing no respect and little concern for the discussion in progress?
When the timing of important conversations is not right, you know it. Nothing you say is well received and none of your suggestions are readily accepted. If you find yourself blaming elders for not listening or expecting them to be responsive when they are not relaxed or able to focus, then conducting a timing check might be in order.